Bob教你怎样写读书计划（四）

 Final Draft And Sample　　Now that you are finished with all your revisions and asked some trusted friends or teachers to look over your essays, you are ready to mail them to the United States. Of course make sure to make photocopies of all your essays and application materials before you send them to the U.S.Writing application essays is a long and tedious process. But through writing them your English writing has definitely improved. This will be a great help to you when you finally do begin to study abroad and have to write many papers, essays, and tests in English.

Sample

Complete Essay

How to create an environment suitable for human living when resources are limited is a challenging problem for modern society. My strong interest in photography and art has compelled me to become especially observant toward the relationship between human beings and the environment. I have come to realize that the environment we live in has suffered much damage from pollution and lacks competent planning, making it difficult to find beautiful scenery to photograph or sketch. I began to think that I could make use of my artistic gift, concern about, and interest in the environment by entering the field of landscape design and putting my effort into beautifying our surroundings. Therefore, after graduating from high school, I entered the Department of Landscape Architecture at ABC University.During my freshman year, I joined the school's mountaineering club, where I served as a guide and also as president of its photography group. I went to many mountainous areas and ecological preserves, and saw that Taiwan is rich in natural resources; but I also saw that these precious resources are gradually disappearing due to poor planning and illegal land use. This realization solidified my determination to learn concepts of environmental planning and design. Due to my lengthy contact with nature while climbing mountains, I knew that landscape designers should treat nature and residential areas with respect. Over the next two years, I learned more in-depth concepts of landscape design, enhanced my basic abilities in environmental planning, and started developing an interest in urban design. I received commendations from my professors for my performance and ideas. In addition, I served as administrative head of the department student association during these two years, responsible for planning our department exhibitions and intercollegiate activities for exchanging ideas about landscape design. This experience increased my teamwork abilities and efficiency in problem solving, which will be of great help in my future pursuits.The value of landscape education is not in its accumulation of knowledge, but rather in its methods for solving real-life problems. I believe that one must learn more than plain theory, and so in the summers after my freshman through junior years, I took part in internships in related fields, mainly in urban design. I was involved in planning, design, and implementation of landscaping projects, combining theory with practice. After graduation, I worked at XYZ Landscape Consultants as a designer. I was mainly involved in the Taiwan Northern Region Second Freeway Project Preliminary Landscape Design. My main responsibility was analysis and initial design of the landscape along the freeway. Through this work experience, I became familiar with the entire process of a design process. Besides this, I also worked as an assistant designer in a project called "Citizen Participation in the Design of the Community." During this period, I learned how to communicate ideas to people and give oral reports. I believe that these skills are important for a designer. Worth mentioning is that this project greatly influenced me and attracted my interest, because I believe a good designer should establish an environment based on the opinions of the users in the area instead of on the whims of the designer. Although the concept of user's participation in landscape design is only in its initial stages in Taiwan, I believe that there is much promise for the future. Therefore, in your graduate program, besides concentrating in landscape design, I also plan to take courses in social science, environmental psychology, behavior research and so forth. After completing my studies and returning to Taiwan, I plane to carry out my ideas by applying my knowledge to user's participation projects.My working experience plus my experience growing up in an industrialized city have helped me to understand that the rapid growth of Taiwan's major cities has produced numerous environmental problems. I believe that a graduate school education will enhance my abilities so that I will be able to help solve these problems. Since the United States is the leading country in the field of landscape design, I believe that it is the best place to pursue my interest. My short-term goal after obtaining my MLA degree and coming back to Taiwan is to accumulate more professional experience. My long-term objective is to become a university instructor in this field. I am convinced that your school's landscape design curriculum will be instrumental in the completion of my goals.

Essay Evaluation:

Paragraph 1:

A fairly well-written opening paragraph detailing the reasons behind the author's interest in landscape design. The author does a good job of showing how her interest in landscape design developed from her interest in related fields, photography and art.

Paragraph 2:

Here, the author relates her college academic and extracurricular experiences. Note that the experiences she details are all generally related to her goal of obtaining an MLA. Also, not only does the author mention related extracurricular activities, but she also provides specific reasons for their significance. For example, she not only mentions her participation in the mountaineering club but also explains how her participation allowed her to better understand Taiwan's environmental problems.There are some areas that could be improved. First, the paragraph lacks a topic sentence. Secondly, there are some parts where the author is a bit general. For example, what exact commendations did she receive for his work? She should mention actual awards. What kinds of exhibitions and activities did the author organize? She should provide one or two examples. The last clause "which will be of great help in my future pursuits" is unnecessary. The reader can infer the benefits of learning to work in a team and problem solving ability.

Paragraph 3:

This paragraph focuses on professional experiences and career goals. It is quite a long and should perhaps be divided into two paragraphs, one on work experience and one on career goals. Reading long paragraphs can be mentally exhausting for a reader and are sometimes evidence of poor essay organization, especially in a short piece of writing such as the application essay. The is the most interesting paragraph in the essay, and could be even more interesting with the addition of more concrete examples.The author does a good job in detailing her experience working with a landscape consulting company. But her description of the "Citizen Participation" project is a sparse, especially considering that this project apparently influenced her career goals significantly. She should describe exactly what the project was. In there is not enough space for the author to mention her college internships, she could add a parenthetical instruction to refer the reader to her resume.The author gives a better-than-average description of career goals. She outlines a realistic study plan.

Paragraph 4:A typical "tell them what you told them" conclusion -- the author summarizes what she has already written. There is a glaring problem with this paragraph though, the career plans the author describes here contradict those in the previous paragraph. In that paragraph the author describes her plan to work on user's participation projects. Here she writes of her plans to become a university professor. The author must resolve this contradiction.This last, very general paragraph, is typical of application essays written by Chinese students. Unfortunately, in many essays, all of the paragraphs are as general as this paragraph.

Overall:

This is a solid essay. It is structurally sound. The essay's chronological structure lets the author effectively detail her academic, extracurricular, and professional backgrounds as they relate to her career and graduate study goals. Although the author writes on a number of different experiences that occurred at different times in her life, she relates them all to her interest in landscape design. This provides the reader with a comprehensive picture of the author as well as showing how the author's background makes her a suitable candidate for graduate study, which is the point of the personal statement.

Introduction Paragraphs: Sample 1

Creating an environment suitable for human living when resources are limited is a challenging problem for modern society. My strong interest in photography and art has compelled me to become especially observant of the relationship between human beings and the environment. I have come to realize that the environment we live in has suffered much damage from pollution and lacks competent planning, making it difficult to find beautiful scenery to photograph or sketch. I began thinking that I could make use of my artistic gift and concern about the interest in the environment by entering the field of landscape design and putting my effort into beautifying our surroundings. There, after completing high school, I entered the Department of Landscape Architecture at XYZ University.

Comment:

Compared to most essay introductions written by Chinese students, this sample is relatively original. The author uses the first paragraph to outline the reasons for her interest in landscape architecture. The author's inclusion of specific details, such as her interest in photograph and art and the difficulty in finding scenery to photograph or sketch, provides the reader with specific insights into the author's background and interests. This paragraph may have been more effective with a few more specifics. For example, when exactly did the author's interest in art and photography begin? What specific kind of environment damage did she frequently observe? Or is she more concerned with urban planning than environmental damage? These types of details could be added without making the paragraph much longer.

Introduction Paragraphs: Sample 2

I was born on January 24, 1972 in Taizhong, Taiwan, Republic of China. I come from a family of four. My father is a manager and engineer for Taiwan Power Company while my mother is an elementary school teacher. My parents have always emphasized the importance of a good education.

Comment:

This is a dull and irrelevant introduction paragraph. Most, if not all, of the information in this first paragraph can be found on other parts of the application. Probably nothing in this paragraph is related to the author's interest in or plan for graduate work. Finally, this introduction is just not interesting. Avoid writing this type of introduction.

Introduction Paragraphs: Sample 3

An old Chinese proverb says "The whole world can be seen in a single grain of sand." Now, through advances in solid-state electronics that allow for the creation of millions of fascinating devices, such as resistors, capacitors, and transistors to be produced within increasingly minute spaces, whole worlds can be created in a grain of sand. After having immersed myself in extensive studies in both physics and electrical engineering at National ABC University, I have decided to pursue advanced studies in solid-state electronics. I am particularly interested in submicron technology, the design and production of DRAM, light-emitting diodes, and the design and production of semiconductor lasers and decoders.

Comment:

A generally solid introduction paragraph. The author quickly focuses in on his specific interests. Note how he defines the particular fields of solid-state electronics that he is interested in. This type of focus is characteristic of well-written first paragraphs.

Introduction Paragraphs: Sample 4

"Doctors have the ability to fix patients," he would tell me, "and make them well again. They are extremely valuable members of society." Despite the wishes of my father to become a doctor and make my family proud, I believed that I needed to make my own decisions and choose a career which would be the most fulfilling for me, business management. I can understand my father's disappointment since my academic performance was at the level to allow my entrance into any university department which I preferred, and yet I still felt strongly about following my own ambitions into business.

Comment:

This is a poorly written introduction. Beginning an introduction with a short anecdote is fine, if it relates to your interest in or plans for graduate study. The author's focus on his father's preference of careers is not something that an admissions committee would be interested in. This author slowly reveals his main point, that he wants to study business, rather than quickly and directly stating it. As a result, he wastes a significant amount of space for the essay.

Career Plans Sample

In writing application essays, you will likely have to describe your career plans. Even if an essay question does not ask you to describe them, it is often a good idea to do so.Describing you career plans is just another way of expressing why you want to pursue graduate education and why a school should accept you. In describing your goals, show how having a graduate degree will make attaining them possible. Your career goals can either be modest or very ambitious. They must be realistic. Ask professors or someone knowledgeable in your field if you career goals are attainable. If you describe unrealistic or vague career goals, graduate schools will take this as evidence that you do not clearly understand the field, you are uncertain about graduate study, and/or you lack maturity. Below are some different ways to express your career goals.1、One way to make your career goals seem realistic is by tying them to a current pursuit.Currently, I am the editor of Cyberspace, a magazine concerned with all aspects of the Internet. After visiting thousands of web sites, I consider hypermedia not only related to my undergraduate background, but also a way to realize my artistic vision. Some of the most popular web sites display delicate art works. After completing the graduate program computer arts, I will be able help to improve this area of the web.With a thorough grounding both in the computer techniques of the electronic media and in aesthetic concepts of the field, after completing graduate studies I hope to be an art editor for an Internet service provider, helping clients create their own home-pages and meeting their graphic design needs. Later, I plan on opening my own studio and becoming a web master, integrating the artistic and the technology and sharing my knowledge and experience with those interested in computer art.2、Detailing career goals also provides a chance to reveal your understanding of the current state of your field.After finishing my MBA studies in marketing, I plan to return to Shanghai and work in the marketing group of an international bank. I believe that by that time, Shanghai will be one of the biggest and most important financial centers in the Asian-Pacific area, introducing many new financial products. With the use of these products becoming a key for success in the international trading environment, financial institutions will need to be able to market these products to gain market share. I hope to focus my work on mid-sized companies, which contributed a lot to Shanghai's past economic miracle but are now losing their international competitiveness. Most of these mid-sized companies view new financial products as toys to gamble and play with rather than tools to help them hedge risks. I hope to educate and persuade mid-sized companies to accept and use financial products to regain their competitive edge.3、Relate your career goals to your proposed study plan, the courses you plan on concentrating on in graduate school. If the course track you want to pursue is only offered at one or a few schools you can also relate your career goal to your reasons for applying to a particular school.After earning a master's degree in genetic counseling, my goal is to help promote humane genetic counseling and develop embryo genetics in Taiwan in order to fight hereditary diseases more effectively in their early stages and so lessen their cost to society. I am especially interested in the following topics: risk factors of schizophrenia and human behavior, hereditary disease detection and family pathological history tracing, embryo gene theory, and pre-embryo gene diagnosis.In order to reach my goal, after earning my master's degree, I plan on working in the genetic counseling department of a hospital or government unit. Then I hope to pursue a doctoral degree. Since hereditary disease research in Taiwan is still in its early stages, soon after receiving my doctorate I plan to lead my own work team at a research center focusing on formulating prevention plans, promoting gene screening, and reducing the occurrence of hereditary diseases.